We’re more than halfway through June, or as I call it, the month of Derek. With his birthday falling in the first week of June and Father’s Day shortly thereafter, we just celebrate him all month long.
In honor of his month, here’s another installment of #ThingsMyHusbandSays.
He’s been talking in his sleep
• Been awake since about 5 a.m., when Derek rolled over and announced: “It’s in my pocket.”
His lips were an inch away from my ear, so I heard him loud and clear.
“What? What’s in your pocket?” I asked.
“I said it’s in my COAT pocket,” he replied.
Then he rolled over (OK, I gave him a nudge) and slumbered on.
• It seems that the middle of the night is when he does his best remembering. A while ago, he woke me at 2 a.m.
“Oh! I forgot to tell you something.”
“Whaaa?” I mumble.
“You have two new reviews of ‘War Bonds’ on Amazon, and they’re both five stars!”
I look at the clock.
“That’s great, but why did you have to tell me at 2 a.m.?”
“Because I just remembered.”
Derekisms
• “It’s like those annoying Pia Chet commercials.”
Me: “What?”
Him: “You know those darn Pia Chet plant thingies.”
• On why he forgot something: “I’m sorry. It went in one brain and out the other.”
• We were talking about a book that was made into a movie.
“Wasn’t it by Keevin Sting?” he asked.
And that’s how I’m referring to Stephen King from now on.
• “We’re not all cutthroat-hearted!” Derek lamenting the media portrayal of business owners.
Life according to Derek
• My husband is in denial about nodding off in church. “I was drifting off into prayer,” he said.
• Me: I get a lot of my best writing ideas when I’m in the shower. Do you get good ideas in the shower?
Him: When I’m in the shower, I wash my hair. It doesn’t take long.
• As the conversation in the dining room reached ear-splitting Hval decibels, I implored Derek to use his inside voice. “I’ve got the window open!” he replied.
• Watching a show set in Arkansas. “I lived in Arkansas,” he said.
“You lived in Alabama,” I replied.
“Same thing,” he replied.
• My husband’s theater reviews are quite succinct. Here’s what he had to say about the traveling production of “War Horse.”
“I feel sorry for the guy who had to be the horse’s ass all night.”
Married life
• Enumerating the ways he’s broadened my education: “Just think, if you hadn’t married me you would know nothing about Van Halen. NOTHING!”
• Him: I’m grilling hot dogs for dinner. Want one?
Me: You know I don’t eat hot dogs. I’ll just have a bite of yours.
Him: I’m grilling you a hot dog.
• Gym closure plus bad weather forced an indoor workout. I told Derek I don’t think I can do “Buns of Steel” anymore. “That’s OK,” he said. “I prefer Buns of Cushiness.”
• Me: I’m going to Costco to get gas. The last time I did this, I almost died because an idiot driver came inches away from hitting me.
Him: You can’t die. I didn’t buy you any life insurance. Now, I can die. In fact, if I die before 62, you’ll be set. You’ll probably get a younger man.
Me: Absolutely not!
Him: Really? You wouldn’t get a hot hipster?
Me: And risk a man bun and husband who looks better in capris than me? Are you kidding? But I’d definitely get another cat.
Him: Damn. I’m living on borrowed time.
• When your husband forgets that you are empty nesters and agrees to buy 30 pounds of ground beef – packaged in 2-pound increments no less!
“What were you thinking?” I asked. “We eat ground beef maybe once a month, if that!”
“Well, you make really good meatloaf,” he said. “I like meatloaf.”
• Every week when I visited Mom, I noticed a fellow always left his door propped open with his cane.
“I wonder why he does that,” I said to Derek.
“He’s probably hoping to get lucky,” he replied.
So, now I have to outlive my husband because somebody has to keep an eye on him.
Cindy Hval 