I’ve been writing a personal column for about 20 years, so often when I meet people during interviews or at events, they say, “Oh! I feel like I already know you!”
I usually reply, “You probably know more about me than is strictly necessary.”
Since the advent of these #thingsmyhusbandsays columns, Derek’s been getting a taste of that recognition.
Last week at the Northwest Passages event celebrating the launch of Jess Walter’s new book, “So Far Gone,” several people greeted me, then turned to my husband and said, “You must be Derek!”
Luckily, my extroverted husband enjoys these exchanges and is unfazed by his growing notoriety.
The equanimity and warmth that make him a great life partner also make him a wonderful dad and papa. We honored him on Sunday, and I’m continuing the celebration with this installment of #thingsmyhusbandsays.
He’s been talking in his sleep
• Sometimes, Derek sleeps too close to me and encroaches on my space.
I nudged him. “Your head is on my pillow,” I said.
“No it’s not,” he replied. “My brain is on your pillow.”
That image kept me awake for a while.
• One morning, I woke up to his muttering.
“She drowned!”
I poked him.
“Who drowned?”
“You’ll find out,” he replied.
I waited until he left for work to take my shower. Better safe than sorry.
Derekisms
• Derek: That Howard Rutger is always scary!
Me: You mean Rutger Hauer?
Him: Yeah. The German guy.
Me: Dutch.
Him: Exactly.
• We watched a video of a dad taking his baby to the doctor for the baby’s first shots.
“You didn’t take ANY of our sons to their vaccinations,” I said.
“Meh. I was there for their vasectomies,” he replied.
I hope to God he meant circumcisions!
• While we were on the topic, one of our sons was worried that our cat, Milo, had been castrated. Derek tried to explain spaying and neutering this way: “Did I get castrated? No! They call it a vasectomy.”
• Him: My brother is making a pot garden.
Me: Really? He’s growing weed?
Him: Weed? No, he’s planting strawberries in big pots.
Me: Oh. A container garden.
Him: Like I said. A pot garden.
Life according to Derek
• Recently, my husband came home and announced, “Well, I’m selling the business. Oscar Meyer is hiring Wienermobile drivers. I’ll have to go to Wienermobile School, but I’m confident this is the job for me.”
• Every October, Derek and our son Zach watch cheesy horror movies. One evening, the film was over by 8.
“Did everybody die?” I asked.
“Yeah, but not soon enough,” Derek replied.
• Several years ago, Derek went to Vegas with a buddy. They visited the STRAT Hotel, Casino & Tower and decided to take a leap with the SkyJump. It’s the highest commercial decelerator descent, with an official height of 829 feet.
He sent a group text to me and our sons before the jump, worried that his last words would be profanity.
Ethan told him, “I’m sure Jesus will forgive you. Heck! He’s gonna have a blast right along with you.”
To which Derek replied, “He flies. I don’t.”
Married life
• We were watching a video on “America’s Got Talent,” and the contestant was crying at the sight of the baby during his wife’s ultrasound.
Me: You didn’t cry at any of our ultrasounds.
Him: I also didn’t have a man bun.
• A commercial came on for Jimmy Dean pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick. “Oh my! If you die first, I’m totally going to eat that!” Derek said.
I’m sharing this in case I die an untimely death due to my husband’s lust for pancakes and sausage on a stick.
• Speaking of death, we were talking about our funerals. (Doesn’t everyone?)
“I don’t want a creepy open-casket viewing. Don’t do that to me,” I said.
He replied, “Oh, no way! I’m putting you on the deck with a book in one hand and a martini in the other.”
He may be an amazing dad and a wonderful husband, but comments like these make me realize I need to take better care of myself.
Obviously, I need to outlive him.
11am-12pm
Cindy Hval 